This Morning

This morning I awoke with the most peaceful lovely feeling--ahh, someone must be praying for me. No doubt, my Carmelite sisters, on this my most special day--the day that I made promises to my Lord in the Carmelites. Before going to sleep last night reading the book, "Consoling the Heart of Jesus" waking, I had the most strange dream--and it's easy to see the meaning. Be careful what you read or think about going to bed at night.

In the dream, I was at home--surrounded by stuff--living in a house overlooking the city, all of a sudden there was a strangeness. Hiding myself behind a wall looking out over the city, everything before my eyes started turning to stone, and a great big harvester started tearing up the entire city. Then the harvester reached my home, a giant machine arm went up and snap, snap, snap the machine covered the window of my house by snapping on a huge cloth.

Going to the other side of the house and hiding looking up out the bathroom window--would the machine also cover the rest of the house? All of a sudden, new clothes appeared on my body, and going to the front door there was a man, all dark, all I could see was his darkness--he was taking stuff out of my house--"hand me those CD's" he said. "What are you going to do with a bunch of old CD's with 50's music?" I asked, handing them to him. Ugh, and turning away from him, walking into the rest of my house--it was gleaming clean, with shining hardwood floors and light--nothing was in the bright rooms. I smiled.

Walking through the clean rooms to the outside, there were large groups of people gathered under canopies--they were crowded and complaining and turning to stone. Get on the bleachers, a voice said to me, but climbing them there were a few of the people who were turning to stone sitting on them--a man with his young daughter clinging to him, "with them here, there won't be enough room for us!" a woman cried. "Don't worry, there will be plenty of room for us," I said taking a seat. A small child with a happy face came and sat next to me, of course, this beautiful child would be here and my heart was filled with pure joy. Turning to look at the stone people sitting on the bleachers, they were instantly gone, and only alive happy people sat next to me. End of dream.

Contemplating the meaning of the dream, in light of today--the day that I made my promises of living, chastity, poverty, obedience, and the beatitudes--in the Secular Carmelite Order. Thinking of all the negative judgemental unsupportive people in my life who tried to discourage me from this day--including satan himself, speaking to my mind, saying that no way was my calling to include that of being a Secular Carmelite. "Oh, how unworthy YOU are Tara!" Thankfully, I had my spiritual director to encourage me, and the Carmelites praying for me :)

This day was a most important day in my life--for, in taking my promises, it made me more fully a Carmelite Secular--It solidified the fact that I truly am a Carmelite, in fact now I am allowed to use the initials O.C.D.S after my name. It's kinda scary, because at the same time it means that my Lord has given me more graces, and with more graces, it means my responsibility is greater. He also gave me a new name, a name that carries with it a "charism."

In the book I was reading last night, a book--the Lord placed in my hands by Divine Providence--for me to have a deeper understanding of my new "calling." my new name, given to me by my Lord, through my beloved Father Erik: Mary Grace of the Divine Mercy. My Lord has instructed me to exactly what that calling entails--to have "mercy" on others. For my old "stony" heart to be crumbled away and for a new, "merciful" heart to take it's place.

The author of the book said that when we remove the insensitivity of our hearts and give mercy to others, it's like giving those wandering in a dry old desert a cool drink of water. It refreshes their hearts and gives them hope. On the other hand when we are unmerciful, insensitive to the needs of others--when we are judgemental of them, we kill their spirits. The author told of Cardinal Christoph Schonborn who said of the meaning of mercy: A hard heart is the opposite of mercy. How much we must implore God so our hearts do not become hardened like stone! Our hearts must not become insensitive! In fact, insensitivity is the primary sin of man against God and neighbor. Hardness of heart separates us from God, is the loss of our humanity, and causes so much suffering. it is also that which brought Jesus to the Cross and caused his death---it is that which crucified him! Only the love of God that reaches as far as the Cross can open a breach in our hardened hearts.

Being judgemental of others--without knowing all the circumstances--is perhaps the most easy way to harden our hearts toward another. For example, last year, having mono, my strength was so dismal that one day laying in bed--cold--the blankets at my feet--no way did I have the strength to even reach down and pull the covers over myself--and remained cold. One Sunday, so tired, going to Mass, I pleaded with a woman to be the usher for me for the day, "please, I need a break, I said to her." "Oh, poor Tara needs a break" she said with a look of disdain...had not her own life been very difficult, and this spoiled Tara wants a break!...she went on, but I did not have the strength to tell her that I was sick with mono, and even though on the outside, you could not tell by my appearance my extreme exhaustion--she judged me by my appearance, of looking perfectly capable to her. Well, she agreed to usher for me, probably thinking what a lazy spoiled girl was that Tara--oh well.

And so it is, with those of an unmerciful heart--those with a cold stony judgemental heart. Saint Josemaria Escriva said of those who judge: "It is oversimplicity on your part to judge the value of apostolic undertakings by what you can see of them. With that standard you would have to prefer a ton of coal to a handful of diamonds."

Of course in my dream, the persons turning to stone were the judgmental, who with their continuing unmercifulness--turned their whole selves to stone, and were ground into powder by the harvester--they became inhuman. Each one of us has inside our heart, a piece that is stone cold heart, a judgemental, unmerciful part. But now that I have put on "new clothes" a new name, a new Secular order, a new promise, it is time to allow the Lord to create in me a new and merciful heart--
"Create a new heart for me, O' Lord!"